I just finished grading a set of College Essays written by first semester juniors. What kinds of things did I write on the "A" papers? The "B papers"? The C or lower papers?
A
I like the first three paragraphs a lot. They're original and funny. They have a sense of personality. They paint a picture of a quirky and distinct person.
I like how you begin with small concrete things -- lunch, grape leaves -- and work up to things like "peace" and "speech."
This is a good value to focus on for the college essay (patience). And it seems like a small, true, important story to relate.
Impressive organization. I like how the ending circles back to the first line in a very natural way.
Good narrative sense. Clear transitions between ideas. Strong mixture of narrative and reflection.
B
The ending feels a bit too "set" and less of all the good things I noted above. It spoils the picture you've created and makes it seem like you're a little hard to work with.
Maybe you should begin the "best of both cultures" idea sooner?
The essay feels "unbalanced." The "lesson" that you learn in the last paragraph seems to be sprung upon the reader and not really connected the the rest of the essay.
Do you try to say too much?
Prose is simple and easy to follow.
The beginning is too soft. Get the reader to the action quicker. I'd get rid of the first paragraph completely.
This seems to be two essays in one -- about "learning to appreciate violin" and about what the experience of "Les Mis" did to/for you. I'd choose the second.
Because there are so many segments, I'm left with a really general and diffuse sense of why swimming is so important to you. I'm not sure what impression that I'm supposed to take from this overall.
This essay makes you seem like you're a "stiver," trying to please the college admissions officer. Do I ""know you better" after reading it? I don't know. I know you're trying to sound like a fully-developed businessman!
I like the idea of connecting the beginning and the ending, but I feel the "straight lines" in the first and last sentences seems "tacked on" and gimmicky.
The prose and organization are way better than the central idea. I don't think "being more sociable" is a strong enough idea (as you've described it) to hang the whole essay on.
Clear enough narrative frame. But it's not clear why THIS setting is necessary for THIS realization, which makes this topic choice weird.
I really liked the line about "not taking short cuts even if it means getting the same outcome." Developed well, that can be the core of an excellent essay.
The third paragraph feels not as strong (as concrete, as focused, as honest) as the rest.
Openings that end up being "dreams" that you wake up from often feel like a let down to the reader.
C
You don't answer the prompt very well. Where is the "transition to adulthood"?
The prose gets in the way of your ideas.
The mechanical errors are distracting.
I don't get a very detailed impression of YOU.
You come across as a bit glum and downcast. That might not be the best picture to present to the college of your choice.
Some of your descriptions and word choices (the old lady, your dad's car, the cliche about dog walk away with tail between legs) seem cliche or irrelevant to the story you're trying to tell.
This topic seems to fit the "overdone" topic choice of "the big game." This feels a lot like the "Rocky" story (and so a little "constructed"). I wonder if you can focus on a smaller topic.
You say 3 times that you've gained "experience" and have become "more open minded" but you don't show these things. What's the experience worth? What are some concrete details about how you've become open-minded?
What's the organizational plan behind the 3 paragraphs? Each seems to cover similar ground? Make the central idea of each paragraph stand out.
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